Mar 15, 2022
So, things happen in Life.
I end up my two-year relationship, I left my house and I’m full of debts now, but that’s life, right? and I’m gonna get over it, at least that’s what people and my therapist said.
I know, this is phase, but what a shitty one. I have read a lot of articles (thanks to Medium) of how to heal before a narcissistic abuse relationship and they said it’s a long journey, and it will feel like forever.
Here I will try to describe or clarify what’s going on in my head after just 5 months since my life change forever, hope this can help someone.
Avoiding
For about 4 months I was trying to not feel anything, all I did was partying, being on tinder, dating, traveling a lot, etc. I was trying to distract myself with everything but ´feelings´ and it wasn’t until some holidays that I felt devastated. I couldn’t get up of my bed, I couldn’t sleep well, I couldn’t think of anything but how my life changed so dramatically that I end up with debts and without my apartment, the one I have been taking care for almost two years.
I’m still feeling this way, the only difference is that now I know that the only cure to the pain is in pain, I must feel even though I don’t want to, I must cry and a lot.
I now live with my uncle and cousins, it is a safe place, far away from the city where all the chaos happened and yes, I’m thankful for this, my family have literally saved me. Even though, I miss what all my energy a focus was the last year, my previous life and small apartment. I will find a new one, a better one but this is no the moment to think about it, this is the moment to feel and stop avoiding.
Rage
I feel rage with myself, I believe all the future faking shit, how dumb was I? How I didn’t realize it was all lies? What was I thinking when we move together only 6 months after we met? What was I thinking when I believe that we were going to have a family? Why did I say yes to everything, even getting and small loan? And specially, why he didn’t apologize? How did he pick up his stuff in 3 days and left?
The answer is love bombing, the beginning of the relationship was all I have dream, the best thing that ever happened to me, all the love messages, the love promises, no one have ever loved me so much, just months before we broke up we were buying a car and talking about moving to a new house, so yes, I couldn’t see what it was coming the next months and that’s why it is still so confused. Rage is now an everyday feeling and I’m learning how to be patience with myself because what happened to me it was not my fault.
And finally, Narcs don’t apologize the will never do, so don’t expect anything of them.
Sadness
I’m a very organized person, and this just move everything, for over two years I thought I was in the way.
The way is no longer there, last week I didn’t find an exit for this, I cry till my eyes swollen and realize I haven’t felt what I supposed to, for months all I did was telling people I was ok.
I’m still sad about not being in the way anymore, about being cheated, when is this going to be, ok? Being alone is now a challenge for me, for two years a build an imagen of someone that will never leave me because he supposed to take care of me and our future.
Building everything again is clear and now possible through sadness, through learning all I have is myself and my dreams, through forgiving myself for a rush time. Also, telling people you are sad is ok, this way you are not that alone in the journey.
Tip for sadness, watch FRIENDS they are always a good company, or just drive away with uploaded music.
Try to become a new person (with my wounds included)
All my life I have relate love with giving, and a lot, in an emotional, in an economic way so the other can feel great and complete. Now through this, my perspective of love has change forever.
If you see this situation from the outside, it’s only a “break up story”, but every day I convince myself that I’m getting over a trauma situation, where I was promise love and dreams at the beginning and then discard came with gaslighting and smooth degrading situations almost every day, at the end of the relationship I didn’t recognize the person I move in with, it is still confused.
If you don’t feel ok and it’s confused, asking for help is the key, find a therapist if you can, talk to your family and friends, I even sometimes talk to my mom, who I know is giving me strength since heaven. I’m writing this 5 months later, because IT IS NOT EASY, this is now part of me and my life, I will process in my own way.
Finding things to do after work have cost me a lot but doing them are also the key, I was used to a routine were a finish work a lay down, I all also miss those lazy nights, but they were just a comfort and a dizzy zone. This week I returned to the Gym, making this for myself, everything is getting sense for my body and soul, sadness comes and goes but the hope is returning by finding things that brings me joy, things that are making me smile again. Also, I started to write again.
The beginning of a new journey is now with my wounds and sadness included.
